Hey did you hear, Mrs. A’s daughter is getting married…”
“Wow, that’s great…. how much dowry are they giving?”

…The age-old question. Even in a state like Kerala, which boasts, of a 100% literacy rate and emancipated women, the specter of the dowry system looms as large as ever. Sure, everyone knows that dowry is illegal and everyone agrees that the system is very demeaning to women…in theory. In practice however, it’s a different matter altogether. When it’s time for marriage, a hefty ‘pay-packet’ is passed off to the prospective groom; along with assorted ‘perks’ in the form of cars, fridges, bikes, houses, etc, Lately, getting married seems to be more lucrative than getting a job!

WHY??? Why do people in the most literate state in India put up with it? Ok, maybe the men have their reasons…. but, what about the women???
In answer, you’ll probably receive an eloquent shrug and the line “That’s just the way society is…what can we do?”

Giving and receiving dowry has become so much a part of our social fabric that people can’t seem to get by without it. It’s a very small percentage of the population that can honestly claim that their marriage was not accompanied by a transfer of dowry. Today, it’s become a matter of great prestige – the larger the dowry, the greater the respect you command among your peers.

For some of the youngsters, it’s more than a matter of prestige – it’s plain practicality and common sense. Recently, a young doctor outlined his plans for the future. “I’ll get married soon, get a good dowry and use the money to set up a clinic.” “But why do you want to ask for dowry in the first place?” I asked. “C’mon yaar, it’s the easiest and fastest way to get the money I need.” “And what about the girl? What if it’s too much for her family?” “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I marry a very rich girl. She’ll be able to afford me,” he replied with a grin.

And what about the girls? What do they feel? For many, giving dowry is a small price to pay to marry into a good, rich family and be settled for life.

People have often asked me if I would be willing to marry a man who asked for dowry and I always replied “No!”. But truthfully, I don’t know. There are a lot of  ‘what ifs’. What if  I loved this man and he loved me? What if we were soul mates…meant for each other?…and what if  his parents insisted on a dowry? [Ideally though, if he DID love me, he would put his foot down and refuse dowry…I wonder if that actually happens!!] Which would eventually win out – my dignity or my love? And WHY should I, or any girl, have to face this question?

I guess this is the fix most girls find themselves in today. Which is the better option – stand for your principles and probably never get married or just pay the damn thing and get it over with? I guess all us girls can do is pray – pray that we meet a guy who will not ask for  dowry...or pray that we win the next lottery!!
 

Cathy.